I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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