OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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