the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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