i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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