Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Drunk is a universal language darling
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
