apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
