I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
