Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
