I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
