I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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