i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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