Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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