guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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