if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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