I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
