My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
