May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
