rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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