these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
