I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
