I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
