how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
