i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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