I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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