Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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