Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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