Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
