As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you inspire me to be a worse person
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
