blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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