He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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