And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
