apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
