i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
