then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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