and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
