Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
