life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Come see our sink grown plant.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
