Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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