I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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