and you said cock pushups were impossible
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
