White coat. Heels.
I will die if light touches me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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