It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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