Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
