It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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