Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Randomize
