hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
