she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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