I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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