He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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