Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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