Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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