okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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