have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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