I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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