mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
