My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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