who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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