It's Friday. Sex?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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