I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
