remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
