Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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