I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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