my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
